PK SUBBAN PUNCHES TOMAS PLEKANEC IN THE FACE

The last two weeks have not been kind to your Extraordinary Montreal Canadiens. Since learning that their superstar defenseman Andrei Markov would be out for the remainder of the season, unable to accommodate the Belgian authorities with the proper paperwork for the transfer of his artificial knee out of a bonded customs depot, the team was forced to heap more responsibility on their young phenom blue-liner, PK Subban. This has not met with stunning success to say the least. PK’s +/- went from +9 to -2 in that time, the defenders stopped clogging the middle, the Priceberg stopped pulling game-savers out of his ear, the scorers stopped scoring, and it all ended in tears with the rookie being sent to the press-box. It was easy to take it in stride the first few games but after half a dozen, the thought of choking down another arena hotdog while wearing a tie instead of hotdogging it on the ice was too much to bear and the young man was intent on making his case to rejoin the line-up for the game against Washington. You can imagine your ho-humming reporter’s surprise when informed as he shuffled in that PK was ruffling feathers by causing a kerfuffle during a scuffle. He had just exhibited his renowned grade-A intensity by sending a devastating right cross to Tomas Plekanec’s jaw as the centre tried to cross the blue line.
“It's practice, it's battling. It's tough." said Subban when asked to confirm. "When you're doing three-on-two drills and three-on-three, there are going to be chippy battles out there. You've just got to work through it. Give credit to Tommy for workin through my fist. It was a good practice today."
But he wasn’t done there. When Maxim Lapierre’s turn came to run the same play that Plekanec just had, he yelled across the ice for PK not to try that same crap with him, which of course, only motivated PK even more, and instead of a right cross, Lapierre found himself caught and grabbed from collar to crotch, turned upside down, and power-slammed into the ice. A melee ensued despite PK pleading it was an accident and Jack Marty giving himself an aneurysm blowing on the whistle.
"We see that all the time. When you are not playing, you've got to practice hard and make sure you are ready for the game when you are called on," said Captain Gio afterwards. "I thought it was a good practice by everybody and that stuff is going to happen when you're practicing hard. Lapierre was just mad cuz he accidentally swallowed his retainer."
Next came the power-play drills with shots from the point aimed at the slot for deflections. The indication was to keep the shot low. PK’s first shot hit Hal Gill in the face. While the 6’7” tower of power was bleeding his teeth out in the crease, Roman Hamrlik skated over to the young defender in order to give him a stern talking to, confident that his experience and prestige across the NHL would pull the young star into rank. But he was sorely mistaken and frankly shocked to see a round-house elbow coming his way. As Roman moved to dodge, he was grabbed around the waist and backward souplexed to the ice so hard that he didn’t regain consciousness for 18 minutes and realized he had bitten through his mouth-guard when he did.
"These things happen.” Mathieu Darche later said. “What's important is that we tone down the intensity against our opponents because if we play as we do against one-another, we’ll be spending the whole game in the box."
Coach Jack Marty pretty much thought the same way and decided to pull PK off for the remainder of the drill. As the kid came off, steaming with “intensity”, he pushed the coach face first into the back wall, grabbed him in a full Nelson, turned him around, and managed to smash his head at least three or four times against the sideboard ledge before Assistant Coach Kirk Muller succeeded in yanking him off.
“Completely normal.” said star Canadiens sniper Michael Cammalleri. “It’s a physical game and you have to respect the kid’s commitment to it.”
Once the practice had ended and after the complimentary knee to your devoted reporter’s sternum, PK Subban summed up his thought process concerning the passion he puts forth in order to perfect his skills.
"Like I said at the start of the year, my mentality is to come to the rink every day, try to learn, and get better. I get better by breaking heads. That’s my game. They told me ‘Don’t change your game’ so I’m not. This is me not changing my game. This is the game I always had success with. It's the same thing now. Every day, you're learning in a different way how to hurt people and you have to take it all in positively. Today was just another opportunity for me to go out there and get better and try and make the best of it and today, I think I did that. Especially if all those ambulance sirens I hear are an indication.”
-Do you think your effort today will be enough to get you into the game tonight?
“I hope so cuz next time, I’ll have to up the ante and instead of ambulances, it’ll be hearses.”
-No, what I meant was…
“Hell with this.”
*POW!*

More updates when senses return.

STALKING RYDER

SOMEWHERE IN SWITZERLAND - After several run-ins with the authorities regarding past discretions, your well-probed reporter has finally returned to good 'ol Canadian soil. Unburdened by European repression, this report could finally be logged.

As you have no doubt been reading, we at HabsBros have been chasing down former Canadiens greats to see what they are doing now that they no longer play for the most glorious of teams. We expected this to be a short task as we honestly expected most of these individuals to have taken their own lives by the ancient Japanese art of Hara-Kiri, or through a glorious Kumite. Oddly, however, they just keep being alive.

The latest in the line of players requiring an interview from yours truly was none other than Micheal Ryder. He was found languishing in anonymity in Switzerland, playing for some pee wee team call "EV Zug" (is that even a name?). This is how the interview went:

- Thank you once again for taking the time from your *snicker* busy schedule to talk to me.
"Uhm... No problem, I guess."
- Let's get this started, shall we?
"Sure."
- So, Mr. Ryder, how are you coping with not only being mercilessly fired by the Montreal Canadiens, but also, evidently, by the entire National Hockey League?
"What?! Hey, none of that question made any sense!"
- Which part? The part about you being a washed up loser, or the part about just being stupid?
"Excuse me?"
- Listen, you're the one who wasn't good enough to stick with the NHL, Mr. Ryder, that's not my fault. No need to get defensive.
"That's not even my name! Did you even do any research before you came out here?"
- You're right. I shouldn't be calling you "Mister". You don't deserve that. I mean, after 85 goals in your first three seasons, you fell out of favor pretty fast. Enjoying the night life a bit too much?
"Okay listen, you've clearly got me mixed up with Micheal Ryder. That's not who I am."
- So you're trying to forget the past? That's probably wise. I'd want to forget too.
"Look, I'm not Michael Ryder. He plays for Boston. Haven't you noticed? He plays you guys like 6 times a year!"
- HA! Oh man, that's a good one! You're mistaken, good sir. Do you really think I'd confuse you for Glen Metropolit? Sure you guys look the same, but come on!

...

- Seriously though, do you still like pancakes?
"Oh man, I can't get enough of those delicious fluffycakes... Wait! What?! No! That's not me, that's Ryder who likes pancakes, man! Stop trying to trick me!"
- Why would I try to trick you? You are who you are, and that's Micheal Ryder, former Hab, former virgin, former dude with a reason to keep on living. Why do you have to hide that?
"I'm Glen Metropolit!"
- No, he plays for Boston. And he has some diginity left. You don't.
"This interview is over!"
- Will you at least be headed back to your Newfoundland home this summer?
"Obviously, but I... Hey! NO! I'm not Ryder! Stop it!"

And with that, Ryder stormed out, back to the hills to eat some chocolate or whatever disgraced former NHL players do when they get deported to Switzerland. This columnist, however, when home and delivered the straight dope, off the record, on the QT, and very hush, hush.

More updates as the pancakes cool.

YOUNG HABS GETTING THE SHAFT?

Your Destiny-driven Montreal Canadiens are in Texas tonight to take on Mike Ribeiro and his band of chicken-fried gumbo-eating cronies. Normally, a hockey game presented nearer to Tijuana than your house to a corner-store wouldn’t receive much press, but it is in these circumstances nonetheless that both of the team’s most talented young players have been shown a red card by the club and are to sit out tonight’s game: Benny Poolio for a hit on his +/- sheet in the last three games, and PK Soobie for consistent giveaways after undeserved initial benching. The young Habs are getting the shaft. That much seems clear. Yet, your adamant reporter sought confirmation before publication and called up the Lavalife Hotline to get said young Habs’ voice-box numbers so we could exchange on the matter.
-Benny, do you think you’re getting the shaft by being relegated the way you are?
“Well, the coach sees the game the way he sees it, and I need to work harder to earn more time on the ice. I think I’ve been playing pretty good but there’s always room for improvement to be, you know, more consistent.”
-Yeah, but don’t you think you’re getting screwed though?
“No. I think that as a young player, you have to pay your dues and work hard all the time. The team wants me to succeed if they traded for me, so they’re doing what’s best for me for the future.”
-Yeah, but, don’t you think you should be playing more and that it’s total garbage that Eller is preferred over you, especially on the top line?
“Well, of course I want to play more but…”
-Ok, thanks, Benny, I knew it was garbage right from the get-go.
“Wait, I didn…”
.Beep.
-PK, do you think you’re getting the shaft by being benched tonight?
“Getting the shaft, no, I mean, a young guy coming into this league, there’s gonna be mistakes, you know? I mean, we all saw it, I have to be more careful with my passing sometimes, because a mistake like that, and next thing, it’s in the back of your net.”
-But considering every team has young players they’re breaking in, don’t you think your coach has his head up his butt for sidelining you and stifling your learning process?
“Watching the game from the press-box is part of the learning process sometimes. I think the coach, and the whole staff really, are doing their best to make me a better player every day and, like you said, it’s a process and I’m a young player, and there are gonna be mistakes sometimes.”
-Don’t you think the coaching staff should just admit to themselves as well as the whole world that they don’t have the first single solitary clue what the hell they’re doing and to just let you frikkin play?
“Well, I think that might be going a little too…”
-Yeah, I though that might be it too. Thanks, PK. Got all I need.
“But…”
.Beep.
With direct confirmation from the persons involved following Benny Poulio’s assertion that playing Eller ahead of him was total garbage and PK Soobie’s more-than-plain suggestion that the coaching staff didn’t have the first clue on how to treat him as a player, your diligent reporter (pictured right) could now present his article confident in the knowledge that the truth mirrored his opinion and wasn’t the product of other influences apart utmost objectivity.
The Young Habs are getting the shaft and it’s just a matter of time before…
.Beep-beep.
-Hallo!
“Straight-dope Factory?”
-Speaking.
“Jack Marty here. Two kids just called me, peein in their pants. What are you doing over there?”
-Doing my JOB, Jack; hell you think I’m doing?
“I think you might be getting ahead of yourself and maybe you don’t want to post what you’re thinking of posting.”
-I think maybe I do, Jack.
“Maybe we can work something out.”
-Yeah? How?
“I’ll put’em back on the ice. Red card revoked. They’ll play tonight.”
-You serious?
“You knows it, baby.”
-Ok. Hey, that’s great.
“Done. Ciao.”
.Beep.
Ok…uhh.., well now, this just goes to show how great a team like the Grandiose Montreal Canadiens can adapt to situations on the fly, dear reader. They see a problem, in this instance, me and my big mouth, and they head it off at the pass. Foresight. Initiative. Focus. Execution. Playing the young guns is certainly proof of their brilliance in all those aspects. Sitting out Benny Poolio isn’t a garbage move because they didn’t do it, and the coaching staff DOES know what it’s doing because PK Soobie ISN’T sitting. It just works out so nicely once again. The organization understands that the young Montreal Canadiens are the veteran Montreal Canadiens of the future and they need to be given the confidence to go with their responsibilities despite the occasional mistakes they may make. In fact, no other team in the history of the world understands this as perfectly as the Masterful Montreal Canadiens do, and I can assure you that THIS time, it’s objectively-speaking.

More updates as events warrant.

GOMEZ LIVING UP TO CONTRACT; ON PACE FOR 113 PTS

Double Stanley Cup-winning living legend Scott Gomez has been on a torrid point-getting streak for the last two games, registering 4 points and as many assists. One cannot help but observe that if he performs as well for the next 50 games, the speedy forward will finish the season with 113 pts, cracking the team’s single season 100-pt mark for the first time since the 1985-1986 season when the Little Viking led your Awe-Inspiring Montreal Canadiens down St-Catherine Street with the most sacred of chalices in one hand and a Kroppkaker in the other, boasting a 110-pt output during the regular season. Your security-dodging reporter made it a point to collect some of the Alaskan’s team-mates’ thoughts on the matter after last night’s convincing victory over their closest rivals in the North-East Division.
“Well, he’s just leaving it all out there, you know?” said his long-time friend and el capitan of the club Brian Gionta. “We went out to grab some dinner at a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet last week and at some point during the evening, he just kinda got this look come over his face; I don’t know what happened, but the next morning, he was all fire and brimstone and he just kinda brought it to another level since, you know? Can’t explain it; sometimes it’s better not to look for a reason and just go with it.”
“A lot of the game is the mental aspect part of it; that's what a lot of guys say in this league.” suggested Tomas Plekanec, not a bad centre in his own right. “I think it has to do with Gomie taking some time to visualize the game and the type of contribution he intends to bring to it. I know for my part that he always takes 15 minutes in the bathroom by himself to think about that before he suits up. It looks like it’s paying off.”
“I think it’s a question of chemistry, really;” offered top sniper Michael Cammalleri. “Scott and I, we looked at how to combine our skills when we were paired together; we tried different experiments; we proposed some ideas and some theories to get some sort of reaction and though some of the results were interesting, there was nothing conclusive. And we ultimately had no choice but to accept the overall findings despite the resistance some of our personal feelings were generating at the time. It wasn’t working, that much was plain, and though I hate to admit it, I might’ve been bringing him down a bit and I guess I needed to see that. But right now, it’s just great to see that a player like that is on pace to break a great record like Mats Naslund’s because that’ll surely help the team; that’s just amazing.”
“There’s a reason the New York Rangers gave a contract like that to Scott Gomez.” Coach Jack Marty said afterwards. “He’s a leader. He’s a veteran. He understands the game and what a team needs to do to win. And if you look at last spring, he was definitely a part of our success in the playoffs. I think the problem was him wanting to do too much for his team-mates and he stopped skating so they could catch up to him. We had to remind him that his speed was his most devastating weapon and it was hard to generate if he wasn’t skating. So seeing him now on pace for 113 pts, that doesn’t surprise me or the organization one bit. He has the skill, the speed, and the vision to be a dominating force in this league and as we can see, that’s definitely happening right now. For us, the acquisition of Scott Gomez is a feather in the cap of the team because he’s been worth every penny. We are thrilled with his production and as his numbers over the course of the last two games show, had no doubt that he would step up to show that he is the best player on the team by a country mile. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help the boss write some checks.”
There you have it, dear readers, the straight dope, straight from the horse-hockey’s mouth: Gomez worth every penny; on pace for 113 pts. Insert into hat and wear.
More updates when events warrant.

HABS RUNNING OUT OF OPPOSITION

The question facing the greatest team in the history of the world at the start of the 2010-2011 NHL season was whether last year’s success was the result of coordinating lucky breaks and ephemeral flashes of brilliance or if they were really that good. Now towering over the North-East Division like the lords of all creation, the answer seems unimportant, because the REAL question is: who can stop them? Who can face them and survive the humiliation? Who is left that dares to stand against your Invincible Montreal Canadiens? Is this it? Is this the best this League has to offer? Well, it’s nice, but…where’s the beef? Because from where we're standing, it looks like the Habs have run out of opposition.
The proclaimed “best team in the East”, the Cappers have YET to show themselves, still applying cream to their red faces after being smacked around last time they played the bleu-blanc-rouge. The Detroit City Wings have grudgingly accepted to host the Beautiful Team next month but only if they’re spotted a two-goal lead. The Blackhawkers? Stanley Cup champs? Cowering in the West, they steadfastly refuse to accept the challenge. It was only after threat of relocation from the League’s commissioner at the last second that a game between both clubs was squeezed into the final week of the regular season. Some “champs”, pff. Where’s the beef?
Pittsburgher, Couver, Beantown, Philly, and Los Angleeze however, have all been ground into chicken fodder and spread on a sandwich. They folded easier than a ten-dollar bill jammed in a pole-dancer's panties. They were run through like a LAW rocket shot at some jell-o and swatted aside as if they weren't even there. Pathetic. Honestly, where’s the beef?
Now, complacency threatens to rear its ugly head if the club becomes devoid of worthwhile opposition. Montreal scouts have been sent far and wide to unearth a team, any team, who can go three 20-minute rounds against the Tricolore but the first reports sent back indicate this may have been an entreprise easier envisioned than accomplished. It will be up to the team to play through the adversity generated by the level of skill the weaklings they play against have to offer and still maintain their own superior level of play regardless, because it looks very likely that with no one left to stop them, they may very well run the table, and what kind of fun is that? Someone should be watching the store, no? Where’s the BEEF?
Where is the pride in this League? Where’s the sense of Duty? Is everyone going to just stand there and let your Commanding Montreal Canadiens just lay down the law like an 8-year-old in a kindergarten class? Who can stop them? The 1972 Soviets? The United States Army? Mike Ditka?
Everyone likes to win, sure, but how about making it a little interesting?
Where’s the BEEF, dammit?!! More updates when irrelevant rants warrant.

HABS FANS TAKING THINGS WAY TOO SERIOUSLY

BROSSARD - During a post-practice interview yesterday at the Canadiens' facility in Brossard Quebec, team captain Brian Gionta said (off the record) that fans of the team are "taking this whole hockey thing way too seriously."

This reporter was surprised to hear such a bold statement from such a prominent and important figure on this, the Greatest Team in the History of the World. In search of more, your eager journalist asked Gionta for an opinion on an article posted on this site regarding Lars Eller.

After several minutes and through helping the Captain with a few words (as is always required with one of Ericson's submissions), a laugh was shared and "cold ones" were cracked.

"Look," started Gionta, "the fans have their opinions and even go so far as picking and choosing which of the players should play together, and then try to match them up against opponents so that they are at a disadvantage. Apparently, they really get into that.

"I mean, whatever happened to going out there and having a little bit of fun on the ice? Fans of this team are tight-asses, I tell you. Wasn't like this in Jersey..."

Such a candid conversation with such a great individual left this blogger with the reaffirmation that the traditionally "offensive" material on this site is due both to something called "free speech" and to "really not giving a shit."

LARS ELLER MAKING A SPLASH

Your Majestic Montreal Canadiens are dominating the North-East Division, sending their opposition into panic-stricken, closed-door, war-room conferences in an effort to determine how in Lord Jebus’ holy name to counter such supreme awesomeness and from what spring of superior hockeyness doth it emanate. Obviously, those efforts have failed, for your Royal Montreal Canadiens are still right where they should be, at el numero uno, but the reason those efforts have failed is because everyone is looking everywhere except where they should, that is, at the sneaky Dane, Lars Eller, the fantastic return on the Jaroslav Halak trade to St. Louie.
Such was the spiel your impressionable reporter gobbled with glee when he had occasion to meet the team’s head coach at the home-based daycare operators strike taking place in Sainte-Julie. Proudly hoisting a placard with the words “We want more money for takin care’o’kids all day long! We’re sick’o’the kids!”, Jack Marty agreed to share his thoughts.
“I’m sick of the kids!”
-Can we talk hockey, coach?
“Hit me.”
-Is the team contemplating sending Lars Eller down to Hamilton?
“What? Why would we do that? He’s doing such a great job. A good player who’s helping the club. Making a big splash with us.”
-Cannonball or poop dropping in toilet splash?
“Cannonball.”
-So do you consider to have gotten good trade value in the…
“Yes, I do. We are still surprised that St. Louie would part with him.”
-Are you surprised then that he’s not producing?
“He IS producing. It’s just the League hasn’t properly looked at the tape where he touches the puck a little before we score but it’s quick and you can hardly see it. We’ve actually sent a letter to the home office about it and we’re still waiting for a response so I can’t really say more about it until that’s settled with the League, so don’t ask me anymore questions about that, please.”
-Why is he only playing 5 minutes a game? Don’t you think he would develop better if he saw more time on ice and began to gain experience, good or bad, against this calibre of play?
“Well, we can’t play him more because if we did, the games would end much too lopsidedly and we don’t want to embarrass the other clubs or have the games degenerate into brawls because that’s what would happen. We’re biding our time over here. The kid is so good, he would paint a target on his back and we feel it’s too early in the season for that. He’s doing just enough now that we win, yet he remains in the shadows, so to speak, so that when it’s all on the line, we then can take the leash off of Lars Eller for real and let him go at it. He’s our ace up our sleeve…
-And nobody knows it! , your blurting reporter realized.
Jack Marty nodded his head solemnly, then put a finger on his the tip of his nose.
“Nobody. Has. A clue.”
-Nobody sees it!
“Nobody even THINKS about it.”
-Nobody CONSIDERS it.
“How can they if it’s so well hidden?
-That is a. Mazing!
“All part of the plan.”
-You sneaky bastards!
"It's what we do."
-So Eller is great?
“Eller is friggin fantastic.”
-And he’s the reason we’re winning?
“Well, we’re winning, aren’t we?”
-And Lars will take a prominent role some day?
“He’s gonna hog the limelight like a pig on Broadway. Just you watch.”
-And St. Louie…
“Will be crying in their soup like bitches. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m here to support these wonderful ladies. See you later.”
Your inspired reporter couldn’t help but laugh heartily because today was a beautiful day and your All-Singing, All-Dancing Montreal Canadiens had it aaaaaall worked out. Every angle, every perspective, every direction, all foreseen and all accounted for; even the wild card, a fabulously talented Dane dissimulated under the guise of an utterly useless shlub in order to escape the opposition’s gaze. But soon, they will all tremble at his might and once again be forced to give reverence to the greatest team in the history of the world for their wisdom as well as their powerhouse performers.

More updates when vindication warrants.

POINT, COUNTERPOINT

Extract from Toronto Sun

HABS LOSING BIG TIME
The former "Greatest Team in the World" has lost its stronghold. The mindless slaves and zombies are returning to the reality that is a below average team. The Canadiens are being brought to their knees.

Frank Wilder, scientist and hockey enthusiast, entered the Bell Center on Saturday night to witness the team's latest loss. He braved the storm that was the anger and frustration of the "faithful" that had suddenly lost faith. He was determined to reach the bottom of this.

Pierre Gautier, GM of the Montreal Canadiens could not be reached for comment at press time, so Wilder was forced to speak to other prominent figures from within the media. Most notably, "The Habs Man" from the great HabsBros blog.

Wilder asked if The Habs Man had lost his faith in the Canadiens.

"Okay, so I have, alright?" he responded. "I've betrayed the human race by voluntarily giving up my belief in this team. I mean, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry before I'm forgiven? Fifty? A hundred? A thousand? Tell me!"

"Let's start with once," came a reply from the crowd. "Once would be a good start."

---

Extract from Montreal Gazette

EVERYTHING IS FINE

Point - Everything is fine! Pierre Gautier says everything is totally fine, and I have no reason to think otherwise. Anyone who doesn't think everything is totally fine has a screw loose. Everything is totally fine.

Counter Point - Fine? Try awesome! Things aren't just fine! They're totally awesome! Saying thins are just fine is crazy, when things are as awesome as they are! Things are just plain awesome!

BENOIT POULIOT BUSTING MOVES

Few teams around the world would have the audacity to even suggest any contention for the role of Greatest Team in the History of the World, even disregarding the fact that your Superior Montreal Canadiens are, sans surprise, mind you, currently holding first positions in the North-East Division, the Eastern Association, and the National Hockey League respectively. But even FEWER teams would dare to propose owning the rights to an extraordinarily-talented player who was as vicious, as barbaric, and as dangerous as Benny Poolio, especially not after witnessing his emergence in the rough-and-tumble atmosphere of the most demanding professional sports league on the planet. And indeed, it is that emergence which has led this team to these utmost heights.
Your cell-phone number-triangulating reporter (pictured left) got in touch with the Hab hero after another game-winning performance.
-That was a nice game-winning goal, Benny. Against a Stanley Cup champion team to boot.
“Yeah, it felt good. But I took a little mustard off the shot because it would’ve gone through the net, then the glass, and mighta hurt somebody in the stands, and we have clear instructions from the League not to get involved with folks in the stands. The fact the goal came against a great, great team like the Islanders doesn’t change anything. What’s important is not hurting the fans.”
-Still, that puck got in there in a hurry. And a nice play by Halpern to set you up.
“Yeah, I was yelling at him to pass. He did a great play and he heard me at the last minute when the 'D' closed up on him. It was a perfect pass.”
-Puck seemed to be hopping on the play. He could’ve missed it though.
“He knows better than to miss a pass for me. The coaches would’ve been on him for making waves.”
-Wh…what does that mean?
“They say I’m a wild dog, man. That I’m totally nuts. They keep repeating that to me and hey, maybe they’re right. Everyone keeps telling me I’m the best player on this team and that I should take my gloves off, (they mean my metaphorical gloves, not my hockey ones, of course) and use my innate hostility to my advantage. I’m thinking about maybe considering doing that, but awww, I dunno.”
-Why are you played on the 4th line if you’re best player on the team, Benny?
“Because they’re scared of me, I guess. No one wants to play with me. Too much of a rebel, they say. Gomie is sleeping; Gio is slumping; I got five points; I'm playing great, and I’M on the 4th line? Do the math. I’m getting blamed for the veterans playing like crap. So instead, they say that I could be a part of Halpern’s acclimatization process towards the team, like the guy’s never played hockey before or something.”
-Well, sure seems Halpern’s responding. He’s producing.
“Of course he’s producing; he’s playing with me.”
-You lead the team in hits. What is it about you that brings out the most aggressiveness aspect of the Montreal Canadiens?
“I’m good at hurting people. I don’t mean to be; it just comes natural. Do I enjoy it? No, it’s just business. I’m just playing my game out there. The guys who want to hinder me playing my game get demolished; it’s just that simple. It’s not my fault that I’m a full-blown reckless maniac, honestly. I get half a chance and I go on full attack like a wild animal. I can’t help it; it’s what I do, man. I pounce. Totally Wild Kingdom.”
-Why do you fall down all the time then? I don’t see that on Wild Kingdom.
“Well.., I guess I get to projecting on the pain I’m about to inflict on opponents, which releases endorphins in my brain and I get giddy. Get dizzy, lose my balance. I still have to work on that, you know, mentally. But even on my butt, I can pass and I can score and I’m really, really dangerous, and I sure don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, but don’t mess with me, man.”
-Are you guys planning to celebrate the win somehow tonight? You are playing tomorrow after all.
“Yeah, I’m gonna cut loose a bit, maybe add a teaspoon of sugar to my decaf.”
-You’re totally out there, Benny. Coaches ok with that?
“I don’t care, man; I’m crazy. I say what goes… I mean, if that’s alright with everybody and everything.”
-What can we expect from you as the season wears on?
“Same thing you’ve seen so far: total domination on the ice whenever I touch the puck, the vision of a shaman, softer moves than the Road of Silk, and the wrath of god incarnate when I hit somebody.”
-And there’s no holding you back?
“Hold me back? Listen, Minnesota couldn’t hold me back, the coaches can’t hold me back, the 4th line can’t hold me back, nothing can hold me back. I’d like to see any nancy boys freakin try holding me back. You want to be in 1st place or not?”
-Benny, you my boy.
“Screw you, weirdo.” *Click.*
There you have it, dear readers, the sign-off of a stone-cold pit-fighter. He’s called Benny Poolio, but he’s better known as Psycho Boy: the Kid with the Goofy Face and the Will of Steel.

This article brought to you by Mental Nuts. There’s no toughness like Mental toughness. Mental, That’s One Tough Nut.

STALKING SAKU

ANAHEIM - In your humble reporter's ongoing saga of stalking ex-Canadiens, the next stop was former captain, Saku Koivu. No, he's not dead like you thought he was. Instead, he's moved on to play for some Junior B club called the Anaheim Ducks. Apparently, they used to be mighty.

After days in the bushes outside Koivu's home, sifting through trash and befriending hobos for information, yours truly was discovered by some other guy from Finland named Teomafor Sellaneak (or something like that, I mean, who can understand these people?).

Fortunately, this sly columnist was able to talk his way out of being reported to the authorities and managed to get a story out of it. This is how it went:

- So Mr. Koivu, how have you been?
- "Relaxed. This is not at all like Montreal."
- But what do you do now that you're retired?
- "What? I still play hockey in the NHL! Wait... I'm sorry... Are you handicapped?"
- Only when I play golf.
- "..."
- Anyways, what NHL team are you playing for? I was unaware of others besides Montreal.
- "I play for the Anaheim Ducks. So does Selanne over there. Yeah, I know it's not a real team, but keep it on the down-low okay? He gets upset when people tell him that."
- Sure thing. What's it like to play out here? Having played in Montreal, it must be so easy, yes?
- "Well, yeah. It's a joke out here. But the trick is to make it look like you're trying really hard, when you're really just chillin'. You feel me, dawg?"
- Surfer slang?
- Sort of.
- "So what's you're best moment here so far?"

At this point, the story must break, as just writing down the words spoken by the former captain don't do the story justice. For this moment was so poetic. So beautiful, it brought this stoic journalist to his knees.

Koivu's Anaheim story? Well, it is a simple tale... Of incredible bravery.. And unmatched heroism...

In a game against the Dallas Stars, he was on the ice... Alone... The Stars outnumbered him one hundred to one... So the odds were almost even...

Almost.

Others on the Ducks were not strong enough for the task. Casualties of war, no doubt. But also casualties of love...

Despite the world stacked against him, Koivu still managed to score five goals on one single shot. And upon his return to the bench, a hero's welcome.

Plus some smooching from some chick in a tight sweater.

Amazing... Truly amazing... Your staunch reporter was taken by the story and impressed at what had transpired, saddened only by the fact that it had not occurred in Montreal.

Unfortunately, after retreating back to the low budget motel the meager HabsBros budget afforded him, this reporter sought the truth, as he always does. And found that what had really happened was that Koivu had been hit by Mike Ribeiro and had staggered to the Anaheim bench crying and bleeding, then he fainted.

But we'll let our captain have this one though.

More updates as events warrant.

KOVALEV JUST NOT INTO IT ANYMORE

OTTAWA — You may have noticed that your favorite reporter has not updated on this site all that often recently. This is due mostly to the fact that yours truly has been kicking off a new series on the site called "Stalking Your Favorite Ex-Canadiens". Our first stop is Mr. Alex Kovalev.

After badgering our good buddy Kovalev repeatedly, the former All-Star MVP and Stanely Cup winner finally admitted to his totally trust-worthy reporter friend that he's "just not into it anymore."

Kovalev is in the final year of his 2-year contract with the Ottawa Senators, a deal he signed after being unable to come to terms with your Montreal Canadiens. However, since signing with the Senators, he has only compiled 50 points, a massive disappointment considering his lofty $5M per season salary.

"Yeah, well, whatever," Kovalev said after a practice to which he arrived, took four or five halfhearted wrist shots, and left the ice. "This whole hockey business isn't really my thing right now. Not since I left Montreal anyways."

When asked if he cared about ever winning another Cup, Kovalev responded, "In Ottawa? Seriously? What would be the point? Now, Montreal..."

More updates as events warrant.

ANDREI MARKOV STILL WAITING FOR PARTS

It’s called the Rheostar SX3. It is the most technologically advanced bionic knee on the market and the finest example of modern science known to man. It allows the person wearing it the ability to double his speed on slippery surfaces, spring 25ft straight up over chain-linked fences, debilitate adversaries with ungodly charley-horses, fold swimming pool tarps, crush watermelons, crease pants, load flat-bed trucks with a simple kick, and look utterly chic while doing it all. It is the paragon of human engineering and it has Andrei Markov’s name on it.
Only problem is, it’s stuck in a bonded warehouse in Brussels.
This information came to light during a visit at the Markov residence, the motive of which was to pick up a recipe for Veal Orloff. We were discussing which mushrooms to use in the purée when the phone rang and the Norris candidate leaped to attention with a smile on his face.
“My Rheostar has arrived!” he exclaimed.
Smelling a scoop, and conscientious as ever of the responsibility he holds towards the public at large, your methodical reporter made sure to record it all.
“Da.”
-Bzz-bzz-mzz.
“Zdravstvujt.”
-Fzz-bzz-bzz-mz.
“Oh, vuk, now what?” Markov began straightaway rubbing his eyes as if he had a headache.
-Gzz-fzz-bzzels.
“Brussels?! For how long?”
-Fzz-zzz-szz-tzz-kz.
“But I HAVE the vukking certificate. I send you! You have it in hands for two weeks!”
-Rzz-szz-zzz.
“Vhat do you mean ‘arouse suspicion’; I’m a vukking hockey player! It’s a mechanical KNEE!” Now he was shouting.
-Gzz-zz-pzz-nz.
“Platinum, not plutonium! So what if they are stupid? Why must this affect ME? Explain difference between platinum and plutonium, what is problem?”
-Zzz-gzz-fzz-zzz.
“I tell everyone I will be ready for this day, then that day, then maybe this day, then this Saturday…what the VUK?! Now, I look like little vudak waiting for mommy’s birthday!”
-Gz-mz.
“Vhat more? Vhat more do I get to not ‘arouse suspicion’ then?” steamed Markov.
-Vrzz-zzz-mzz-zzz-mzz-gzz-zzz.
“But I don’t need medical expen…expenasure…whatever vukking word is, I don’t…”
-Mzz-gzz-zzz-gzz.
“But this…eto pizd dets…this is vukked up! YOU told me you could rebuild me. YOU told me you had the technology. YOU told me you had the capability to make the first of my kind. Better than I was before. Better, stronger, faster. THIS is what you say to me! Now, I need extra vukking parts and must bribe vukking customs official for this to happen?! Maybe I send some friends over there to peel all your eyelids off with vukking pliers instead! Huh? Maybe I do that, yes?”
-Gzz-mzz-zzz-fzz-zzz.
“Vuk’s sake…” Markov’s shoulders sagged. “Ok. Do it. Vhat the hell can I do? Buy the extra, bribe that vukking clown, and just move it along because I am sick of looking like idyot zhofu. Ty che blyad.”
-Kz.
“Ok, dosvid…oh, vait! Vait a second, hold on, hold on. How much is dis going to cost me?”
-Sz-mzz-dzz.
“SIX MILLION DOLLARS?!! The man’s shriek was so loud that the caged parakeets beside your wide-eyed reporter became panic-stricken and knocked themselves out flying into their bars. Markov heard the commotion and turned to see…and remembered he had a guest.
“Vait a second, you;” he said into the phone. “You,” he said to yours truly, “Get the vuk out. No time for Orloff today. Go get Big Mac or something.”
--But what about the mushroom purée?
“Get the vuk OUT!”
Aw, nuts.

More updates when events warrant.