CHRIS LEE CONFESSES TO MONTREAL CRIME

Excerpt, Ville-Marie Inq. “Lee”: Due to the storm that befell the Central Hall and rendered the timber sodden, all events presented here took place in adjacent yard stable, large enough to accommodate the representatives of our dearest friends.
The accused was brought in to counsel four crows past Compline on the ninth day before second solstice. While accounts of heresy are to remain objective, there is no denying that the stink of evil instantly permeated the room and gasps of disgust could barely be stifled from the sober and stoic faithful there to witness an examination of the Method.
The accused was first asked to name himself and his profession. He answered that it was Chris Lee and that he was an official for the NHL and it is at this point that the Wise Prosecutor noticed the wretch’s first mistake.
Those in the room were made to notice how the accused puts the intonation in the word “official” as if to automatically take precedence over mortal men, which is a custom of demons that cannot contain their vanity. The accused began to deny these charges but was hotly informed by the Prosecutor that no one was here to play games. The charges were then read to the wretch and he was informed that it would be greatly preferred that he confess before nightfalll as the nights tended to get a bit cool rather swiftly.
The accused immediately countered with false freneticism that there was nothing for him to confess. The Wise Prosecutor thus observed how the accused, like all his kind, feel so justified in their quest to rape the natural world that they do not see the harm they cause nor even consider the crimes they have committed to be anything less than a biological mechanism akin to men breathing or sleeping.
The accused then began to speak as if a man, imitating our use of logic and reason to an uncanny degree, mentioning rules of the game and the blind strikes of chance that affect every second of every day in every walk of life, just as the Higher One had planned in His eternal wisdom, and that in fact, there was no crime, only a pendulum swing of dire fortune that one day, would quickly be rebalanced.
But the Wise Prosecutor was not to be tricked by mesmerism or hypnotism or other tools of the devil. There were other ways to elicit confessions once an accused refused the forthright and honourable one presented by the Wise Prosecutor at the start of the inquest.
It was then the hot chains were taken off the coals and fastened to the wretch’s wrists and the screams that rose from its throat were surely not those of a man. The curses hurled towards the Wise Prosecutor and even to the sober and stoic faithful were certainly not conceived in any human tongue as their very vileness caused even strong-willed Partisans to blanch.
Amidst the cacophony of evil, the Wise Prosecutor pointed at the being and made everyone in the room aware of how these creatures really behave when surrounded by the comfort of flames because it is in this comfort that they inevitably let their guard down and, assuming that they are back home in Hell and that they can only be speaking with their brethren, they divulge their true agendas.
And so it was the case with Lee. The accused readily confessed to both counts:
1) He was aware the goal was good and purposefully erased it by claiming his intention was to do so earlier regardless of the outcome. This shows premeditation of Sabotage.
2) He is full member of underground referee society whose sole intention is to bring about the downfall of the Holy Flannel Empire by affecting outcomes of events through fabricated penalties and corrupting themselves to our enemies. This shows premeditation of Treason.
Sentence to be carried out when temperatures warrant.