WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE CUP? - CARBONNEAU

MONTREAL - You may remember that Canadiens' coach Guy Carbonneau won the Stanley Cup a few times during his career. Now that the Canadiens are considered a favorite for at least getting to the Finals, the questions are coming out about what he would do with the Cup if he won it again.

To such questions, Carbonneau is surprisingly upset. In his mind, players have not been "treating Stanley right."

"I mean, c'mon," Carbonneau said during an inpromptu interview with yours truly. "Taking the Cup to some po-dunk town in the middle of nowhere to show it off to some kids that would never otherwise see the Cup? Talk about cliché."

To Carbonneau, a night out with the Cup is not complete unless you take it to dinner, get to first base, and eventually throw it into a swimming pool.

WHEN HABS GO BAD

Much has been written about the infamous helmet-swap between Gorgeous Gorges and the Priceberg at the end of the Panther game last Saturday. Since then, your intrepid reporter sought to learn more of this seemingly harmless practice.
Not so harmless as it turns out. Rather UNharmless. HarmFUL, actually.
"It was supposed to be a joke;" sputtered Gorges, once cornered at La Cage aux Sports, "It was supposed to be just a little thing to do, like a tradition, but Carey sees an opportunity and guess what? He takes it. He put Vicks vapor rub all over the inside of his helmet and he squished on my head! He said it was to get back at me? I put an extra SOCK in his bag, I don't see why I should have my BRAIN fried for that! People say I was smiling coming off the ice? I wasn't smiling; I was grimacing. Hey, he wants to play? I can play."
"Ok, but slashing the tires on my 4-Runner?", asked the incredulous young goalie. "That was... kinda unexpected, you could say." The superstar future Vézina winner then proceeded to up the ante by placing something in Gorges bag himself... something he had picked up from the city morgue. "Two can play the bag game", said the Sainte Flanelle phenom.
Since his deadline was fast approachingYour impatient reporter was the one who directed Gorges to his bag . Once his shrieks had subsided, he was kind enough to answer a few questions.
- Are you alright, Josh?
"Oh, he wants to play... oh, two can play... oh yes, two can play... and I'm gonna play too. "
- Where are you going?
"I'm going to firebomb his parents house."
Whoa!
More updates as events warrant.

SUNDIN JOINS CAST OF "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES"

LOS ANGELES — Desperate Housewives, a prime time drama featuring a flock of desperate, ugly women, whose secrets and truths unfold in a quiet suburban neighborhood, has found its newest cast member — Mats Sundin.

In his first episode, the former Toronto Maple Leaf will square off against Lynette Scavo (played by Felicity Huffman) in a battle to decide who is the real father of her long-lost son, Pepe (played by Gary Coleman). Personally, my money's on Huffman.

"We feel that the Mats brings a fresh new, and ugly face to the program," said creator Marc Cherry. "We looked at hundreds of potential candidates like Rod Brind'Amour, Kelly Buckberger, and Mike Ricci, but in the end, this rare and exotic creature from the darkest depths Sweden truly stood out."

"And as far as we can tell, it's a male," Cherry added.

In recent months, Sundin has been the talk of sports stations like, TSN, ESPN, and SportsNet. Having exhausted and tired the sports world with his snail-like decision reflexes about retirement, Sundin opted instead to tire and bore the entertainment world. Although again, I can't wait to see how he interacts with Carlos. Watch out!

According to Mary Stark, a fan of the show, Sundin's presence brings an "air of class" to the show. Something it's been missing since the days since "that chick totally lied to that other chick and they were all like, 'you bitch' and junk!" Riveting stuff, Mary, thank you.

"Sundin will be a star," said Cherry, who has already booked the former captain on Live With Regis And Kelly, and has even laid the groundwork on a deal for Sundin to take over hosting duties of the syndicated version of Don't Forget the Lyrics in 2012.

"I like Mats," said HNIC host, Ron MacLean. "I think he's tall and sexy. More importantly, he shows that you don't need to have hair or teeth to make it big in Hollywood."

According to a network insider, Sundin's character, Pablo, will have an emotional segment sometime this season in which he reveals that he is in love with Don Cherry.

PLUS / MINUS: SAKU KOIVU

Now that the Superiority of our team is beyond reproach, the authors of Habs Bros would like the readers' help in drawing up the plus and minuses of some of our particular players, not they are particular but that their selection is... First post, the reporter is already confused...
Anyhoo!,
Let us look at our Kapitan Extraordinaire, Saku Koivu.
Pluses:
1) Can someway say "KeeeeRUNCH-time!"? Anybody? Crunch-time, who's the man? Who is THE MAN? Thank you.
2) Can kick cancer's ass better than John Wayne. And that, friends and neighbours, is saying a HECK of lot about the guy.
3) Can see through a glazed eye. Verily, the hockey-gods have punished Williams for this affront.
4) Makes Latendresse look like Leclair. Makes Teemu look like Teemu. Who else can do this? Nobody, that's who.
5) Makes Bob Gainey gush out compliments like a busted hydrant. Who else can make Bob react this way? Nobody, that's who.
Minuses:
1) Getting old; won't play outside anymore.
2) Doesn't kick ass in the dressing-room when Markov pulls a Thornton.
3) Left a weird vision to fans when he sported a BLUE JERSEY! (Yes, we know it was ours, but still, freaky!)
4) Has yet to inscribe his name beside his predecessors.
We at Habs Bros are still left with the mantra, one that every Montrealer must chant with Pride:
Saku Koivu is a Champion. He works like a Champion, lives like a Champion, breathes like a Champion, probably mows his lawn in Turkavegablest (or whatever) like a Champion too, truth be told.
And one day soon, he will win a Championship.
Making us ALL Champions and reaffirming our rightful place in the Halls of Hockey Valhalla.
Yonder paradise we never should have left.
More updates as events warrant.

PLUS/MINUS - ALEX KOVALEV

MONTREAL - As the Centennial Season begins for the Montreal Canadiens, the roster has been forever etched into history. The ultimate goal is, of course, to capture Lord Stanley's Cup. Thus, each player must be at the height of his game. Bob Gainey, the Canadiens' GM has selected each player on the roster according to the Grand Design. He's also selected them according to specialized skilled.

The following is a breakdown of the skill set of one the Canadiens' premier players, Alex Kovalev.

Good Points:

Hit Darcy Tucker in the face. What's not to like?

Was not born, but grown... In ice...

Always willing to work with star athletes like Jaromir Jagr and Mario Lemieux in order to set career highs.

Able to shoot puck off Zamboni, Jumbotron, and glass, and get nothing but net.

Has never done anything wrong.

Bad Points:

Sometimes loses site of puck through mullet.

Theoretically, he could have more money.

Incapable of ever smiling.

Not a strong cook.

Unable to have a normal conversation because everyone always just stares in amazement.